hope vs self-defeat

so i know i’ve touched on this before, but i don’t remember when or to what extent, so let’s do it again. i’m not an artist or a physicist or a dog whisperer. but i know people. not always, and not entirely, but i have something that tells me about people. i get impressions of essences or intentions, and i’m rarely wrong. and i don’t like that very much right now.

my feelings on the latest gentleman to show up in my life are: good, sweet person- that i’m not going to have the opportunity to get close to. although he was the one to start talking to me, before i ever paid him any attention, that it’s not going to happen. and so now i’m wondering. it’s possible, very possible, that i’m right again. it’s also very possible that i am so invested in being right and affirming my trust in my gut feelings that i’m setting myself up for things to go poorly, assuming the worst when i’d get better results doing the opposite. nobody wants to be the jackass chasing after someone who’s not interested in them. that’s embarrassing and scary. no wonder i’m so ready to give up. but i’m trying to open myself up to the possibility that i could be wrong about this. i think i would like to be wrong. and i think i should be acting as if i am.

_________________

the weight on this is: if i am alone come spring, i’m pretty sure i will end up leaving. and i’m scared as hell to leave. i really want something, something more, to anchor me here. and if something’s not right i can’t force it to become so, but i can admit to wanting it to be.

i need more.

i’m asking for it.

 

oh, and.

the way i feel about my ex is potentially unfair to anybody else.

i don’t know if that includes me or not.

 

connections

i spent the last 40 minutes talking to my best friend from high school. she is, at long last, happy. engaged to somebody that we knew back when, a couple years younger but a thoroughly good guy.. this all gives me a feeling that’s hard to describe, a deep-down contentment, peace in knowing that someone you love is alright. the last time i saw her- closing in on two years ago- she was decidedly not okay, and i left that encounter with a heavy heart. but si dios quiere, we’ll be getting together in december. i had a weird feeling when writing that, just as i had to knock wood when realizing during the course of our conversation that my family has been relatively drama-free for the past little while.. i wonder if it’s just that sometimes goodness can be so precarious. when it’s hard won you just know that much more how easily it can slip away. and that’s scary.

she says my little brother is awesome and that everybody likes him. that he’s kind of “anal-retentive”, but then, he’s my brother. and i was sad because she knows the real him more than i do, but happy because he is letting people know him and because he has turned out okay, better than okay. i was so scared for so long that he wouldn’t. i wish i knew the real him more. i wonder if that will be possible in the coming years. at least he knows i love him. i tell him every time i talk to him. at least i have that.

i am trying to forge a connection with someone new. i can’t tell if i’m trying to force a connection. this is not a particularly easy culture to break through to that other level in. i’ve raved about the kindness of strangers before, and i’ll say it again here. i’ve had acquaintances that i hardly know go above and beyond what ‘real’ friends or even family would do for me in the states, without a second thought. and i do have real friends here. but the numbers are dwindling, and i want to add this one on. i am willing to committ a cultural faux pas or three. i already have. and on the one hand, i really don’t have the patience for it, but on the other, i’m curious to see where trying a little harder instead of just giving up will get me. i’m discouraged, encouraged, confused, annoyed, entertained, and just wanting to get to the part where there’s some substance and it doesn’t have to be awkward.

we shall see.

 

i used to wonder about

and sometimes envy other people’s cavalier attitudes towards dating and the people they were going out with. in relationships i was never good at just chilling the fuck out, breathing, not caring so much about everything. i didn’t understand how others could just say ‘fuck it’ and keep it moving, either for that day/night or permanently, like nothing. i feel like the next time i’m actually in a relationship i’m going to be better with this, less likely to be quite so needy, more likely to take less bullshit- age and experience (ideally) improve these things- but i also think i know where some of that flippant attitude comes from.

it’s not love.

once upon a time i didn’t see the point in ‘wasting my time’ with someone i knew i didn’t want to be with long-term. so, i spent a lot of time single, and that was fine. now, the phrase of the day is ‘biding my time’, and i’ve been experiencing just what it means to be in that kind of situation. with not-that-special friend, we go the better part of a week without talking and i don’t bat an eyelash. i don’t really care if we part on a good note. if he does something i don’t like, instead of having to talk about it, i can just kind of go ‘uh huh’, note the mental downgrade, and.. keep it moving. even with the cute newness that i may or may not end up going out with, me da igual. because while he could probably be a lovely temporary companion, i’m pretty good at recognizing what i need in a mate and when somebody does or (as is infinitely more often the case) does not have it- and whether i like it or not, i don’t think he does.

i find the power of not loving refreshing in a lot of ways. it’s been a while since i’ve spent days, much less weeks, being distracted from the things i need to do or bogged down by relationship-related sadness. things are very simple. but part of me is afraid of how this might change me and how that will affect things when it comes time to spend time with someone with that serious long-term potential again. because frankly, i’m also a spoiled bitch with men these days, and i don’t really like that. i hope it doesn’t come around to kick me in the ass.

bonus! msmind talks about changes in her views towards romance here.

 

it’s been a long time

it’s been a long time since i’ve been in a healthy, happy, whole relationship. i’m realizing this now- it’s been years. since i’ve been here, i’ve had: a potential something that fizzled because of distance; a long-term, one-sided emotional attachment to a friend; a couple of very brief, very surface-level not-even-flings; a couple of they-like-me-i-hide-from-them situations; a six-month or so ’special friendship’ with somebody that i am not interested in being with or even particularly attracted to; and an initially really sweet, genuine, is this really happening, this is what i’ve been waiting for relationship- the best and most real of them all, robbed of its potential by geography and circumstance. so it’s been a long time. and it’s wearing on me.

i’m living a life right now that’s reinforcing everything i’ve always said about career not being enough. i have the best job that i could possibly hope for. i enjoy it, i love the responsibility, i love the potential career trajectory that it opens up for me. but it is my life, and as the absence of the more important things grows, i’m slowly becoming less enamored with it.

my best friend is moving away. i didn’t even get to the first word in that sentence before my eyes were wet. this is one of the most important people in my life, and he’s going to be gone in the blink of an eye. this following the july departure of my other friend who was really there on a day-to-day basis, this added to the fact that my other closest friend and i hardly ever see each other because we’re both so damn busy and tired all the time, that even the more auxiliary friends have esentially disappeared.. it’s adding up to not enough, and it’s making me think that the time for change is coming.

 

GLBT meets ESL

assignment: write five sentences using ‘bought’ and ‘gave’ to talk about an occasion where presents were exchanged. sentences should be in S  V  IO  O form.

sample sentence: “He it gave to him her to my breast chocolates.”

i, um. uhm.

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

 

dear dell:

hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate.

hate.

love hate,
me

(my fifth laptop charger died. haaaaaaaaate.)

 

worth every penny.

                                                                         jorge drexler
                                                       centro de bellas artes luis a. ferré
                                                                   santurce, puerto rico
                                                                      9 octubre 2007

 

sometimes the world listens

having decided that i’d be skipping my office hours this morning, i woke up at 7:30, blessedly late. i went to the bank to pay my electricity bill, figuring that being broke in the dark would probably just make things more depressing. (side note: the early morning world in puerto rico is run by old folks. of the ten or so people at the bank before it opened, i was the only one under 60. they noticed.) on the way there i called the telebanking line to see just how bad it was.

the university had deposited the $81 refund for gas and meals that i spent at a mandatory conference in august. after leaving the bank, i went to check my mail.. and found a card from my aunt with $150 check enclosed. as far as she knows, i am doing absolutely fine financially.

 bitching streak over.

 

lloró conmigo.