these days i go to bed early. like ridiculously early. last night it wasn’t even 9:00 when i hit the sheets. so i know that when i go to bed tonight, there are going to be a lot of totals that aren’t yet in. today i feel, in a way i don’t think i’ve ever felt before, that i could go to sleep and wake up to a different world. i feel the earth moving. we are in the midst of something momentous. and i love the fact that i feel like that.

for the past few years, i’ve been living under a rock- quite happily, i might add. i went from being a 24/7 npr junkie, fully plugged in to every political twist and turn, to someone who was so disgusted with all of it and so much happier without it that i had no desire to even hear anything about the next presidential election.

and this man has changed that. because he gives me permission to hope. of course hope can lead to disappointment- tomorrow morning, or a morning nine months from now, or four years from then, there are still undoubtedly going to be a lot of ugly things in the world. we may not have changed a lot. but finally, finally, there is somebody who really wants that change. finally there is somebody appealing to the best of me instead of trying to manipulate me into feeling scared and hateful. he’s more optimistic than i am. i think that’s the case for a lot of us. i don’t think the need for hope can be underestimated. we want to believe that good things are possible. a leader that truly believes that they are could take us far.

a leader. it has such a funny ring to it. i’ve gotten behind candidates before, but none of them ever felt like they were mine in the way this one does. this is the first time i understand what it means to love a leader. that kind of perspective in itself is significant.

more than that. the word ringing in my brain is patria. i have a lot of friends from places other than the united states. and while part of this may be attributed to being away from home, there’s something that almost all of them have in common- they love their countries. and i’ve never been able to relate. i feel more strongly about puerto rico than i do about the country i lived most of my life in. when i leave here, i feel out of sorts. without ever denying that u.s. culture is so much a part of who i am, without denying the good that’s there- and it is- i’ve never felt, deep down inside, like a capital-A American. patriotism has never resonated with me.  i was disciplined in elementary school for refusing to say the pledge of allegiance. so imagine my surprise to feel this thing stirring in me. i can say without much doubt that if we were to actually elect this man to office, that day, i would be.. proud of my country? that’s such a strange idea to me. and it’s because he paints a picture of a country i want to belong to.

i am going to wake up in the morning and cry. of that much i’m sure. if barack doesn’t come out on top, i’m going to feel sentenced. i’m going to be sad in a way that i’ve never been after an election- even after 2004- because for once we had a chance for something different and we said no to it. my misgivings would be confirmed. i will be crushed, and i will cry. but if he wins.. if he wins, it means that maybe he’s right. and i so want him to be right. those would be tears of hope and relief. those are the tears i want.

we need this.